Thursday, March 27, 2014

I Need a Fucking Dress

I need a fucking dress.

What is it and the hype that goes along with a wedding? It’s all about the unity of a couple. Totally understandable. But when it comes to weddings, why is it always so complicated for the guests? Do the bride and groom even think about us?

Gifts, attire, transportation, hotel rooms, shower gifts, RSVPing….planning to be a guest for a wedding almost takes as much effort as planning the wedding.

Registering for gifts makes that gift buying easier for us…but come on…we know that those material items are only things that you picked out a Target or Macy’s because those are pretty much the only two stores that are international and offer the registry service. My question is…Do you even really want that shit?
I hate buying from a registry because for those who you find a true dear friend, the gift seems generic and thoughtless. But you buy it because you know it is something that they “wanted.” Frustrating. Don’t forget about the bridal shower…that shit show. Being a lonely girl in a room where you have few acquaintances…waiting for some food, and lord there better be drinks. Awkward opening in front of the givers to pretend that you love it…but are saying in your mind, “I cannot wait to return that piece of turd.” And I’m starting to believe that the trend is to give a gift for the bachelorette party…what happened to getting blasted sleepover style? I would rather sleep on the floor in a sleeping bag that is shaped like a dick than to eat some tasteless, stale gummy penis.

As for transportation, destination weddings are and always have been a thing. Hotel accommodations are limited, especially if it is a large wedding. Plus, if you aren't staying in the same lodging as the bride and groom, rates will probably be extraordinary. Most destination weddings are at the beach, the city, or somewhere in the country where there is only one hotel in the area, and the next closest one is in Timbuktu. There are only a handful or two of people who are in the right clique here. Immediate family, wedding party, and the spouses of the wedding party. They get an automatic in to the exclusive hotel. Score!

I’m a girl going on 30, single by government status, and I have had enough of my fair share of this. I believe I’ve only been to three weddings in the last five years. That’s enough. One of these events is coming up for my boyfriend and I. He was blessed into the wedding party for this black tie event. So this is his shindig. I’m leaving the gifting to him, he can go to the modern shower BBQ, hotel is taken care of, and all I’m left with is the task of finding a dress for this traditional southern, formal wedding.

What the fuck am I going to do about this?

I guess I need to consider the understood rules first:

Rule #1: Do not upstage the bride – This means, wear nothing white, ivory or beige. And PLEASE do not wear anything that looks more like a prom dress than she does.
Rule #2: Southern weddings mean follow the rules – do not wear black…mother fucker.
Rule #3: Do not wear the same color as the bridal party. That’s okay…I would not be caught dead in magenta.
Rule #4: Match your partner’s style. People should know that we are a couple.
Rule #5: My personal rule, do not stand out. There is nothing worse than going to a wedding and wearing something neon (do not take this word literally). I hardly will know a soul at this occasion.

So….what is there for me to do besides complain. Boyfriend is in a tux…I cannot go around a mint green day dress…I kinda have to match him because of photo ops…no black…no magenta…no great Gatsby beading…

How can a girl just blend into a crowd she doesn't know? God forbid their judgment.

By now, you are probably calling me a jealous cunt, if you are still reading. But if you have ever been a guest or procrastinated getting ready for this kind of soiree, you know it’s a big challenge. Whether or not we are ever married or no, consider what you are asking from everyone attending. It’s a hassle, the struggle is real, and please bride, do not text me two weeks and 6 times before the RSVP deadline.

Back to finding my fucking dress…